The New Zealand Rugby Union has announced the qualification requirements for the new All Black coach.

1) He must have a perpetually gloomy demeanour and produce affidavits from two psychiatrists that he suffers from acute depression.

2) Additionally, affidavits are required from four witnesses who can swear they’ve known him for at least two decades and confirm he has never once smiled.

3) He must rarely speak but on occasions when it’s unavoidable, must do so very slowly in a mumbling manner and confine all remarks to empty platitudes.

4) He must be prepared to wear at all times an electronic belt made specially for this position, which maintains a steady series of mildly painful electric shocks to assist and maintain an unhappy appearance.

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