ACADEMIA UPDATE

Waikato University Vice-Chancellor Neil Quigley seen here recently with his 15 sparrow staff members. Neil says Margaret, the 3^rd from the left is his favourite and he’s struck up a close relationship with her. The feeblest character in his team is Sam, named after a certain world-class weak character we’re familiar with, who meekly did what he was told and hopped down from the row when there wasn’t room for all of them. The affinity Neil has struck up with the team is obvious to the meanest intelligence from his photograph.

This month marks the first anniversary of Waikato University’s brilliant inaugural degree in amoeba studies.

To refresh your memory, this innovative new course was set up followed the sell-out enrolment success in the university’s one year diploma in speaking sparrow.

Last week in Wellington I caught up with Waikato Vice-Chancellor Neil Quigley and asked how it’s all gone.

“On face value given the heavy enrolments, both new courses have been a huge success”, Neil replied “but my God they’ve thrown up unexpected problems”.

Despite being Vice-Chancellor, Neil’s certainly not afraid of work and led the speaking sparrow course himself, this an ability he mastered decades back. In particular this year he set about creating an audio sparrow-English tweets and chirps dictionary this, a world first. He has 15 sparrow close mates now on his staff with whom the students work with.

“So what’s the problem?” I enquired. The bloody problem, Neil complained, is that his eaves-dropping revealed an unbelievable amount of downright obscene tweets and chirps by the male sparrows in the May-June two months, this the time they are pursuing the females for breeding.

Neil’s at a loss whether decorum demands he ignore these in his audio tweeting dictionary. It’s a tough one. I suggested he consult his various language academic staff for advice and I moved along and asked after progress with the amoeba studies degree.

It will be recalled Neil lined up an impressive array of lecturers and all but one duly delivered.

The single drop-out, of necessity, was Auckland KC Ron Mansfield who was to lecture on amoeba rights, but the demands of his lengthy successful defence in the Polkinghorne murder trial forced him to pull out. However, prominent Wellington lawyer Sir Hugh Rennie, now retired, decently plugged that gap in the lecturing team.

“Then all’s well?” I responded quizzically. “All’s bloodywell not well”, Neil said.

“Canterbury University has stolen my inaugural Amoeba studies Dean, well-known Christchurch identity Reg Garters and is starting their own Amoeba studies department. Now retired former Cabinet Minister Max Bradford has offered to step in temporarily while I seek a replacement but’s he’s only available for three months”. Neil complained.

I was shocked to hear all of this so after Neil left I phoned Reg as frankly I was disappointed in him for this disloyalty.

“I didn’t want to do it”, Reg moaned. “Even though Canterbury were offering me a 30% pay rise, I value loyalty. But it was the bloody wife constantly moaning at my absence in Hamilton and accusing me of having it off with some of the female students. So in the interest of some peace and quiet I accepted the Canterbury University offer”.

“I thought having it off with some of the female students was a conventional perk of the job”, I enquired.

“Exactly” Reg snapped. “But try and explain that to women. You know how irrational the buggers are. Anyway I’ve solved the wife problem. Instead of being Dean I’m calling myself Professor. The bloody wife bucked up after hearing that. Dean meant nothing to her whereas she quite fancies saying she’s a Professor’s wife. It’s a come-down of course but for some peace and quiet, a meaningful trade-off.

One thing’s evident from all of this and that’s academia is not the cushy number many people assume given these seemingly endless problems.