Amidst all the black gloom as we watch our economy needlessly destroyed, here’s a ray of sunshine.

Our leading flat earth scholar, Wellington QC Hugh Rennie, tells me that due to the lock-down, he’s suspended publication of his book out-lining the flat earth case. But he’s absolutely delighted as with thinking time on his hands he’s come up with a new chapter. His research reveals an estimated 29,000 ships have disappeared at sea over the last 300 years.

“Where do you think they’ve gone?”, he asked me.

“Sunk”, I tentatively ventured.

“No, no, no,” he snapped. “Seabed research shows only about 3,000 in that category”.

“So what have you discovered?”, I asked.

“For God’s sake it’s obvious,” he said. “They’ve gone over the edge”.

That sounds reasonable.

NOTE – Hugh advises Science Minister Dr Megan Woods has written the Introduction. The book will be launched by Justice Simon Moore, a noted flat-earther, at a date to be announced.


I suppose next he’ll try figure out how many turtles are down there.

Well that’s a huge relief – we can just shove all the excess CO2 over the edge if it gets a bit warm around the interior, and while we’re at it the Green Party lunatics can be encouraged with a little plank walking at the same time!

    CO2 has a higher density than the other components of air. It would naturally fall over the edge. If you’ve ever toured the Speights factory in Dunedin and seen how their giant Kauri gyles are set up, you are seeing a practical demonstration of this.

No Bob you have misunderstood. I am expecting the book to cause Megan to set up a Commission of Inquiry under whose authority I expect to visit all corners of the earth at public expense and an exemption from Level 4 constraints. Note – corners. Globes don’t have them.

Tell Hugh the front fell off all those ships…they are now beyond the environment…

Of course “all corners of the earth ” that settles it , I’m sold.

I’ve had a good laugh for a Sunday morning

Silver Linings. Yes, let’s do that.

Times of crisis often deliver the greatest art in history.

“You know what the fellow said in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance.” [Orson]

In terms of great art of the 21st Century, in my humble opinion, the cake face of the Prime Minister is peerless. I feel it beautifully captures the zeitgeist of our time.

It’s kind of the NZ equivalent of “The Scream” paintings by Edvard Munch.

The blood red lips on the cake face curdle into a primal scream, symbolising perhaps the anxiety and agony of having no idea of what you are doing…

Of course, critics may say that there is no shortage of photographs of the Prime Minister gurning, so why my obsession with cake face? A fair question, I think. For sure, every time you watch TV or open a newspaper, you are assaulted by pictures of the Prime Minister gurning. Indeed, as a consequence of over exposure to the gurn, I started to develop a twitch, and thought a rash might be developing.

Consequently, I took the time out to do some research.

Gurning competitions actually have a proud history, as follows:

“They are held regularly in some villages, with contestants traditionally framing their faces through a horse collar — known as “gurnin’ through a braffin”. The World Gurning Championship takes place annually at the Egremont Crab Fair. The fair dates back to 1267, when King Henry III granted it a Royal Charter.”

Furthermore, and this is where it gets interesting, the Prime Minister has competition:

“Anne Woods (5 December 1947 – 29 March 2015), of Egremont, Cumbria was a British gurner, 28 times the women’s world champion. Her world record was finally ratified by the Guinness Book of Records in November 2010,”

Our Prime Minister might not have any official gurning competitions under her belt like Anne, who was 28 times world champion, but I think she has a good shout as her heir apparent.

If this isn’t another silver lining of this crisis, of which all New Zealanders should be most proud, I don’t know what is.

I’m on a roll. Silver linings, yes.

NZ’s approach to containing this virus was promoted by someone called Siouxsie Wiles, who was said to be an expert.

I tried to do my due diligence on this lady, but only managed to find someone who somewhat resembled Ronald McDonald. Who knew? At least we can be assured our takeaways will be safe. Another silver lining – back of the net!

I suggest that we don’t concern ourselves with questioning the percentage of asymptomatic cases. Also, don’t trouble yourself with information about multiple re-infections of this nasty flu.

Let’s hope there are more silver linings, where these came from.
BE KIND!!!!!
Cake Face xxx

Silver linings. Yes.
I think that the cake face is tough to top. This is a once in a generation event.
Nonetheless, in these dark days, its silver linings we need.
The Greens could offer some solace. They really used to have just one policy – that everybody should get down on the hands and knees and hunt furiously for turnips in their backyard, like a grunting sub-human. Sure, they also encouraged a dress code while you do it. Wearing a ridiculous beard, sensible sandals and a hemp outfit was suggested (this dress code was recommended for men as well).
Now, of course, our Green mavericks have become mainstream. Needs must. We are all cavemen now. Yet in their hour of victory, the Greens are not celebrating – they’re green with envy. Labour is spending millions – billions – trillions, on who knows what. The Greens, quite naturally, are furious. In response, the Greens have released a policy (I don’t blame you if you missed it). I can’t remember the exact details – perhaps it was a new space ship for everyone. Anyway, their policy hit the sweet spot – they will spend more money than Labour, but still leave you in the fields hunting for turnips. Its innovative stuff, but I’m not sure it’s a silver lining, dear reader. I must try harder.
Yet there is green silver lining of this crisis, if that makes sense – that approaches the silver lining levels of the now legendary cake face.
Nostalgia is normal at the times. When I was a child, I exhorted my parents with claims that I didn’t need to go school, because I was needed at home to save the world. This was just met with a flick of the ear, and off to school I was sent. Now that the global emissions are limited to a small fire in our backyard that we are all huddled over to stave off hypothermia for another day, perhaps that nice girl Greta can go back to school? Don’t steal her future. How dare you!
Back to school for Greta is the most silver of silver linings, however you cut the turnip soup. Hey – that makes no sense!
Spare a thought in these troubled times for poor old Winston First, another character who has gone from maverick to mainstream. Want to whip up a storm about Chinese bat soup? Get in line. Time for some Asian baiting? Yawn. Fortress New Zealand, you say? Done that. It’s a desperate situation for poor old Winston. However, he’s probably got fresh fish, so being the last person not to be eating turnips exclusively, he probably doesn’t care. Since living vicariously is all I have, Winston fishing is a definite silver lining.
Silver linings. Yes. I was watching a documentary about the yeti. The camera was very shaky. The figure was in the distance. Yet I saw something. I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’m onto something here. Was that figure in the distance, shaky camera and all, actually Simon Bridges running to his turnip patch? If so, I have solved one of the great mysteries in history – surely a huge silver lining.
There is so much to ponder. Am I an Eloi? Will I be gobbled up by the Morlock cake face? Hang on, I am cake face. This is all so confusing. I need to think some more…

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: