Scanning the web I read this outrage on the NZ Herald site.

Quote: “A respected businessman allegedly pilfered … and spent the money on he and his wife’s …“

and further, “the man is also accused of overpaying he and his wife by …”

God help us all. This disgraceful illiteracy is attributed to someone called Lane Nicholls, described as “Assistant Chief of Staff.” That job description could also apply to the office tea-lady which without doubt, Lane, assuming his name is not a pseudonym, which if so would be understandable, is a task he would be immensely better suited for. It’s not bloody hard. To get the grammar right, cut out the other person. To explain; would Lane write, “The man is also accused of overpaying he by ..”, or, in the other example, “… and spent the money on he …”. I’d wager Lane has never read a book or this literary barbarism wouldn’t occur.

Being courageous I then switched to the Stuff site. One heading confronting me was, “The PM and politicians go on tour.” That’s not bloody news. What would be is a heading, “The PM and politicians save taxpayer money and cut out international gallivanting at the public expense”.

Now quivering and traumatised, I then foolishly ventured into another Stuff item, this written by a James Halpin, again doubtless a fictious name, but if not James should also be doing tea-lady duties.

This detailed a claim by respected historian Paul Moon that the Alexander Turnbull library had been sold a pup, a common-place occurrence in the fraud rich artworld.

James’s contribution to this was to refer to “colonial Aotearoa around 1830”. James, you buffoon, no such place existed in 1830 and for that matter it doesn’t now.

I’ll say this. When I launch my take-over coup currently being planned, in the interest of advancing civilisation, one of the first steps I’ll take will be public hangings. Lambton Quay will be out as the space will be taken up by scaffolds with commercial architects swinging in the breeze, so James and Lane will end their shamefully ignorant lives swinging in Queen Street. No doubt about it, as with the architects, once again this will mark a significant step forward in the march of civilisation.


Bravo! More power to those who would advance the cause.

Love your articles they
Make so much sence and I get a giggle.
Keep up the good work.

Sounds very much like your advise back in the 1980’s to a struggling thespian who made an approach to you for money to help him attend LADA in London. You response, correctly, was no but you would entertain having his head on a stake in your garden for you and your friends to laugh at.
Obviously your proclivity for public execution has moved from home to the High Street. I recall he replied thinking he could become your new property ‘spotter’ in the UK. Forget it you said, for the last time you were there the whole place was one large ‘For Lease’ sign.

Great. Can’t wait Sir Bob.
This bunch of pseudo intellectuals are probably some of those exiting our education system with little or no grasp of the English language.

There is a rather innocuous plaque on the esplanade in Devonport commemorating a hanging in 1848 of a dodgy character who killed a navel lieutenant and his family. The case was also interesting as the mans female accomplice was the only woman sent to Australia as a convict from New Zealand.
What I found appealing was that prior to the mans hanging he was tied to a cart and paraded down Queen Street before being rowed across the harbour to the gallows constructed very close to the murder site and then strung up. I thought parading the condemned down Queen Street before execution was an excellent idea.

Totally agree, sir.

Brilliant as always. My money is most definitely on Professor Moon being correct

Bob, would our very own self appointed Bishop have an appointment with the gibbet, or will he save himself? The gullible followers will no doubt contribute plenty for his salvation.

Please advise when you will be taking over Lambton Quay, and please keep making us smile

Oh!!! (whatever powers that be) you were 30 years younger Sir Bob. You would give this bloody rabble a run!!
But at least your daily comment keeps ME going. So KEEP going!!!

…….and so it continues, more gibberish from Stuff today, no idea what the “writer” is trying to convey:-
“Whittaker’s has released a teaser ofa new wrapper ahead of September’s Te Wiki o te Reo Māori, covering one of the nation’s favourite treats, Creamy Milk chocolate, in reo Māori.”

Great to find this site: at last, a bastion of “common” sense, albeit besieged by legions of the illiterati. Meanwhile, I feel a clerihew coming on….
Sir Bob Jones,
Defiant, alone:
Would rename Lambton Quay,
As a southern Tyburn Tree!

Keep up the good work.

This column really made myself laugh, thanks!

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