In my local newspaper a funeral director runs a half page advertisement with a single large type message. That is, “IS DEALING WITH A LOCALLY OWNED FUNERAL HOME IMPORTANT TO YOU?”

Now I’m reasonably imaginative but for the life of me, try as I might, I cannot think that anyone of the circa 8 billion people on earth would give a damn when dealing with a funeral outfit, whether its owners were locals or instead lived in the next town.

The explanation for this absurdity may lie in the advertisement’s photo of the funeral outfit’s seven personnel. Two are clearly deranged while one literally screams axe murderer. So it may well be the advertiser is offering a knocking-off service which would nicely compliment their body disposal activity in removing the evidence. I can imagine a solid demand for such a service. Furthermore in the same paper, a rival funeral outfit plainly appears to be offering such a service, their single message being “pre-arranged funerals”.

Presumably one can ring and say, “I’d like the wife knocked off next Wednesday while I’m out of town, followed by a quick cremation”.

If so it’s another giant step forward in the service economy.


People must be dying to meet that team. There’s only the quick and the dead, and although I’m slowing, I would prefer to be lumped in with the quick ones. I did a telephone fault repair for a funeral director in Rotorua years ago. Above their workbench they had a brass plaque engraved with “Don’t take life too seriously. You’re not going to live through it!”

complement !

Coming into Tauranga from Hamilton there is a big Billboard for a funeral director. Whenever i see it i think Welcome to Tauranga, where you come to die.

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