Following the sell-out enrolment achieved for the initial one-year Diploma Course, SPEAKING SPARROW, starting next year, Waikato university Vice-Chancellor Neil Quigley has now announced another brilliantly innovative new six-month diploma, also to commence next year.

This is a world first and expected to attract a heavy enrolment, moreso as it can be done extramurally online.

The new academic discipline is AMOEBA STUDIES (Dip. Amb) covering all aspects of AMOEBAS life cycle, behaviour, reproduction etc.

For folk of an academic beat keen to advance their knowledge’s, not to mention employment credentials, this is a marvellous opportunity.

An attractive Diploma certificate will be awarded to graduates which when framed and on one’s wall, will attract admiration and respect.

Neil has scored a major coup in securing well-known Christchurch identity Reg Garters as the new discipline’s first professor.

Pre-covid Reg enjoyed an annual 3 month lectureship in a prominent German university.

I had lunch with him in Christchurch a fortnight back, in the course of which I asked was he missing the German lectureship given his bevy of token non-executive directorships were hardly sufficient to keep him busy.

Reg became mysteriously oblique and alluded to an exciting new appointment to be announced shortly but press as I did, he would not explain, saying it was inappropriate until it had been publicly announced. Now we all know Reg’s new prestige position.

Neil and Reg have secured a star-studded line-up of lecturers.

Prominent Auckland QC Ron Mansfield will lecture on amoeba rights. Auckland history professor Paul Moon will deliver an address; “Amoebas – The first billion years”, former Race Relations Chief Meng Foon will speak on “Colonial oppression in the cellular world.” Emeritus Professor Dame Margaret Clark will lecture on amoeba social relationships and Zoologist Dr Bob Brockie, on amoeba longevity.

Wellington commercial property identity Ian Cassels has generously funded the Cassel’s scholarship of $20,000 annually to each year’s top scholar for advanced post-graduate amoeba studies.

The university has prepared an impressive introductory brochure with a poem “Ode to the Amoeba” by Sam Hunt on the cover.

Given that the incoming government has publicly declared our 3rd medical school will be at Waikato university, these latest new Diploma courses will add further lustre to Neil’s achievement in elevating Waikato to a prestige status. Set his record against the current sharply falling rolls and corresponding staff lay-offs at Otago and Victoria universities and there’s no doubt about it. Neil’s names will go into the history books as a giant in New Zealand post-war academia.

Enrol now by email to Neil.quigley@waikato.ac.nz


Neil is holding back the ace card of this groundbreaking course. It is understood that Rawiri Waititi, as guest lecturer, will cover “ The Choice Resilience of the Antarctic Amoeba, as discovered by Maori science some 700 years before Pakeha “ refer Smithsonian Institute.

This is obviously a piss-take. I’m just not if it is the university or your-good-self taking it. If the university, I’m inclined to offer my services for an extension class ‘Celestial Navigation as practiced by ambitious amoeba’.

Sounds right up my alley, wish I had time to enroll, but I’m tied up with DOC studying seasonal smelt population growth and decline in lake Taupo for the next 12 months

I wrote and suggested looking back as Māori seem to and the wonderful Basket Weaving Degree could commence , it takes quite a few years to become proficient 
Then the immeasurable Flax Manipulation into couture 
So many things 

Don’t forget the ” human rights” of said Amoeba .

Apparently Elon Musk has a new Tesla model Amoeba In production.

It has a single cell battery and changes its shape when moving.

It due out in the tear 2,365,499

I must say I was a little surprised to read that Sir Bob had revealed my involvement in this qualification at this time. However I am certainly not disappointed as I am confident that the, soon to be offered scholarship, will make a major contribution to our planet and the future generations who will inherit it.
I understand demand for places has been strong and this will only increase when I reveal to readers that before all of my lectures Sir Bob will perform a Karakia. Those who have heard Sir Bob’s brilliant tenor voice and command of Te Rao would agree that this will strongly enhance this program – especially as he will perform in a grass skirt from his extensive collection. Looking forward Reg Garters

If the course fails to attract enough applicants, it will no doubt be because of the failure of said Uni’s Education Dept to educate.

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