Parliament’s speaker Trevor Mallard is to receive probably the most unusual Christmas present of anyone in the land.
Procured by his wife Jane Clifton, it’s a craftsman’s specially made barbwire scourge for him to receive daily floggings with over the Christmas break.
The reason this is needed is to keep up his necessary high pain tolerance levels to cope with listening to several dozen maiden speeches from new MPs.
That is a cruelly torturous experience, (the maiden speeches, not the floggings), which seasoned MPs are well practiced in dodging.
Hitherto unknown new MPs carry on as if they’ve just been elected Secretary General of the United Nations; ritually outline their difficult upbringings, then move on to their saving-the-world intentions now they’ve arrived at the seat of power.
History tells a different story. At least three will become embroiled in career-destroying scandals while half or more will return to their former obscurity, never to be heard of again, following the next election.
Ah Sir Robert we are in the age of everyone is important and that a lot of these new politicians are all wannabe victims in one insignificant way or another. The best we can do is sit back with furrowed brow and feigned interest while holding the bag of concrete and spoon ready to dish out a dose of harden the hell up medicine.