I was staggered to read that our biosecurity officials were mystified as to who imported the 176 dead bats they’d intercepted. I presume this was in Auckland as it’s certainly common knowledge who they’re for in Wellington. That is the capital’s prestigious Agrippa Society, its roots going back to 16th century Germany.

Named after the eminent legal scholar and physician Heinrich Agrippa, the Society’s activities relate solely to Heinrich’s occult interests and in particular, an annual event he innovated four centuries back.

Consistent with Heinrich’s agenda the Wellington branch’s membership is confined to three current High Court judges, all male in line with tradition, much to the anger of the capital’s female judges, a Bishop, the German ambassador, two dwarfs and a single female weighing a minimum 350 lbs. The dwarfs provide a goat and 20 chickens for sacrificial purposes and are in charge of importing the bats. Also, each year the Society invites a special guest and much to his delight Sir Hugh Rennie is this year’s lucky winner. He tells me he’s currently practicing his midnight naked cavorting routines in his back yard. It tops off a pretty good year for Hugh.

Every 1st December, rain or shine, these Agrippians gather in a secluded part of the Botanical Gardens at midnight. There they strip naked then for 3 hours, cavort wildly and partake in diverse rituals including all present servicing the 350 lb woman, tradition allowing the special guest first dip, cutting the goat’s throat and so on, all of this to honour Heinrich.

All relatively innocuous you’re doubtless thinking but I’m afraid I can’t bring myself to reveal what, predictably led by the Bishop, they get up to with the dead bats. That alone is shocking.

Nevertheless, given importing 176 dead bats is an annual occurrence going back 62 years, one would think by now the biosecurity buffoons would be aware of the Society’s requirement.


Love it, Sir Bob. Clearly, your imaginative powers are as strong as ever.

Bob, I don’t know whether to believe this or not. Have you been smoking a new mixture in your pipe? Catnip, elderberry and ragwort is it?

Your funny!

Sir. I get the notion that you are disappointed that you haven’t received an invitation to become a member.

As an addendum, it is historically important to note the participation in the ritual of the 350lb lady, she being of similar mass to Heinrich Agrippa’s wife Gert, he being of much lesser dimension and symbolically represented by the dwarfs, found embracing the lady most challenging.

Bob – no invitation received by me. Disappointing as accounts of your attendance as last year’s special guest demonstrate the source of your knowledge, and why this year’s bats had to be dead.

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