A so-called “senior Christchurch lawyer” has been blasted by Stuff for among other things, being drunk, which as an aside is a bit bloody rich coming from a journalist.

But good Lord! I’ve dealt with literally hundreds of lawyers all over the world in my life-time and most are drunk most days, albeit usually after lunch, indeed it’s usually lunch in a restaurant which gets them going. And who can blame them?

Lower court judges are pretty bad on this count, nearly all being blotto by 2pm. Again, who can blame them? Given their daily encounter with society’s low lifes it’s either that or suicide. In Wellington many are housed in one of my company’s buildings adjacent the Wellington Club where they lunch daily. About 1.30pm they provide quite a spectacle staggering back to court and office girls working in the vicinity know to stay out of sight at that time for fear of molestation.

That said, they’re mere pikers compared to High Court judges who have notably short life expectancies, driven by despair-induced alcoholism.

But where are the drunken doctors? I can explain their seeming sobriety. They do not have to submerge themselves in alcohol to bear with their daily human encounters, rather they quietly murder them and no-one is the wiser. It’s one of the profession’s chief attractions as a career choice.

That said, surveys here and in Britain show circa 50% of GPs still want out. I can explain that. While they have immense job satisfaction from murdering their patients, the pleasure is restricted to say at best knocking off one at six month intervals to avoid attracting attention. So in the interim they suffer dreadfully from withdrawal symptoms.

Their secret patron saint is Harold Shipman who’s achievements they all aspire to. Harold is believed to have knocked off nearly 300 patients, mainly old ladies, before being nabbed and prosecuted in January 2000.

Given a life-sentence Harold suffered cruelly with solitary confinement and thus no-one to knock off, so eventually he committed suicide.


Don’t thank God-thank Johnny Walker.

Indubitably a classic. Take the rest of the day off……

Most comedians are crazy, a result of rough upbringing. Your imagination and insight to human activity is equivalent to gold.

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