A MESSAGE TO COLIN CRAIG

Dear Colin,

Bad luck copping the $400,000 awarded against you by Justice Anne Hinton. I know Anne who’s a kindly soul with a sense of humour but understandably like all Aucklanders today, was probably a bit grumpy about the bloody lockdown excesses. Anyway, we all have our off-days.

But look on the bright side son. For nigh on a decade you’ve hugely entertained the nation, and I don’t just mean with your splendid poetry. So I say to you Colin, don’t be downhearted. Issue more writs, although not again Ms MacGregor. You’ve done that one to death.

The question is against who? Here I can be helpful. Why not create history and be the first person ever to sue himself? The advantages of that should need no spelling out, namely you can run both the plaintiff’s and defence’s case. It has to be a winner.

With luck you will cop Justice Hinton again and probably, she feeling remorseful over the $400,000, will find for you and award you twice as much to compensate.

Then wearing your defendent’s hat you can appeal. There’s a good decade of litigation, of appeals and counter-appeals in this one, so go for it.

And think of the poetry potential. You’ve got established form for love poems which you can aim at yourself but, then wearing your defendent’s hat you can enter new poetic territory with some vicious attacking material against yourself, adding to the damages you could seek when in your plaintiff role suing yourself.

This is something you were born to do so don’t mess about mate. The nation needs this to lift its spirits, so file an action smartly.